Teetering on the edge.

So, here I am finally writing the post that I kept telling myself that I should write. It took me about 5-7 days to get up the nerve to write it, and about a month to tell myself that I need to write it.

I am going through some major emotional issues right now. My best friend is spending so much time with a guy that really doesn’t want me around because basically I’m too tall and almost the same height as him. While I on the other hand have no one to hang out with while she is spending so much time with this guy. It has made me realize that I really don’t want to be alone the rest of my life, but I also do not want to get hurt like I did with Jacob. That ass basically made me almost afraid to ever start up a relationship again.

I during my spare time (that is not with my best friend) have been spending it with some of my other friends online or at my own house. I find this kinda boring and wish that I could have some sort of physical contact. My grandmother is badmouthing me and my mother, and basically disowned my mother (almost me). I just am such a wreck right now that it feels like my heart is being torn down chunk by chunk.

On the other hand my friend says that I now have a crush on someone that I do not want to admit to it. I don’t know really. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to lose a perfectly good friendship or because I just don’t want to get hurt again. I mean I get hurt enough with my mother around telling me that I can never attract any guy because I am too ugly or fat. I don’t want that to be true and I certainly don’t want some guy to just ditch me because of that either.

I don’t know that’s just basically what’s been going on in my life this past week.

-Tara

Is it bad...

to dream about a friend wanting to kiss you and you stop them in the middle of it?

Dreams they can be scary...

I had a dream last night that I got fired from Target. I don’t know what it was but all the boxes were open on the line and most of the stuff used. No one noticed but me, perhaps because I was lagging in the scanning. I told my boss that it looked like a goodwill truck. I asked her why we were unloading something with no boxes. She accused me of challenging her. We got in a big row and I took her back there to see. Everything had been put away, like no one cared and in a flash. She just accused me of starting a fight and I got told to meet her in her office in 5 minutes. I woke up about then and still had an eerie feeling about everything that happened.

I need hours

At either job basically. I’ve been getting alot at the hospital thanks to Gwen but I need hours that pay soon. I’ve been getting cut hours alot and it’s not fun to look at a paycheck that’s under $200. Also at the end of the month I won’t have insurance, which really sucks for me but what can I do?

Oh you've gained some weight, you've gotten chunky.

Thanks mom… no wonder I have Self esteem issues.

I was better off left alone....

I really wish sometimes that I could almost stay inside my dreams I am always so much happier there. But I have to face reality in the fact that I am all alone and I have some people in my life that have to point it out as a flaw or something.

I guess I’m weird. I like being a nerd and I know that all my friends see me as one. I may goof off only every once and a while to poke fun at myself, but I find that sometimes it’s better when I do. I try to make people laugh because it’s always the best way to get to know someone and how they are truly feeling. I know that if someone doesn’t laugh at themselves or at me then they are deeply hurt, they don’t trust me, or they just have too stiff a back that I wouldn’t even want to hang with them.

I know that a lot of people know ‘everything.’ But if you could name the song and the next verse after my headline then it proves that you like and know good music.

Why do guys mislead?

Do men find pleasure in misleading a girl into thinking ‘oh I like you’ then turning around and just saying to their friends “I’m just mooching her”

I really find it heartbreaking when I get lead on like that. I’ve had that happen more then once and believe me it’s not nice. I don’t know what guys think when they do that type of thing but it hurts for a long while after they finally tell you or someone close to you, “I didn’t like you, what were you thinking?”

I wonder if any guys out there have ever done this without even knowing. Or if they did this because the girl was giving him gifts for holidays and they knew that if she knew he didn’t like them that they wouldn’t get any gifts.

I’m just writing this to rant right now.. I feel heartbroken and I have this massive headache so I really need to get somethings off my right now.

Nobody actually knows do they?

Who I really am is locked up inside me and I just wish that someone of the opposite gender knew who that person was. I know that at least one person knows and that person is my friend Crystal.

I wonder sometimes if I’m just going to waste my life away trying to figure out what is going to happen next. If I’ll find Mr. Right. So far I know that the people that I fall for are always dorky looking in a way, but they look perfect to me because usually they’re goofy and they don’t really care what people think of them. Well at least a few of them did anyway. I just wish…

Well screw what I wish it never comes true, all my luck was absorbed out of me while I was a little child.

Sometimes I wonder if people that look really happy actually turn out that way or if there are things going on behind closed doors.

Nice guys finish first with me...

So I guess I just don’t look/sound all that appealing or something because no one answers my messages that I send out.

My idea of the perfect guy has changed so many times that I just wish sometimes that instead of everything being so horrid at trying to figure things out that some perfect guy would find me.

My perfect guy now would be some nice guy (I’m tired of the bad ones, I had a really bad case with the last one, and I don’t want to get hurt, bruised or yelled at anymore) who wouldn’t mind holding hands in public. Wouldn’t mind being cuddly, and wouldn’t mind me being a little bit flirty/playful every once and a while.

We are, we are... Invisible.

Sometimes I wonder if people even read this blog or if it’s just sitting in the vast internet to one day be discovered by some pervert that will take quite a few of the things I say the wrong way.

So now people that are younger then me are getting married and I feel like the outsider that will never reach that point in my life. Especially when the last boyfriend I had was very abusive and controlling.

Sometimes I just wish I had someone to talk to that was about halfway around the world so that they could see everything from my point of view or just be able to try to help me understand some things that are going on in my life. I wonder sometimes if people ever feel this way.