Sometimes.. I'm just plain lonely

I realize that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life as I know that I’m not that pleasing to look at, I look like a boy, like my father to be exact. Many people I’ve noticed are more afraid of my intelligence and the fact that I’m a musician that plays an instrument that is bigger then myself. I also noticed that the only men that are interested in my are people that are my parents age or older. Why?

I wish at times that I at least had a buddy to hang out with, but half the people that I hang out with are either in a different city, or state or they work while I’m free. It seems like I almost am meant to have very few friends and half of them are to become acquaintances instead of friends because they have no time and/or they just don’t like me.

Up at 1 to work at 2

Just had to get up at one in the morning. I’m still not awake enough to be coherent so I wonder if I’ll be any good at work but it all depends on the people at work and if they’re any better, because if I’m more awake then they are then I’ll look to be the best one out of the bunch. Everyone’s having to go to work at this time right now for Target because we are opening today at 7am, so we have to get the truck unloaded and things on the shelf before the customers take everything off again because they forgot someone or were slacking a bit on the gift buying. I know I have been, I haven’t really found anything yet for my father and that’s going to be extreamly difficult considering he’s a guy, and a computer guy to boot.

I’m not ready for this holiday season at all this year. I just wish that christmas didn’t even exist sometimes. Yay celebration of the winter solstice lets turn it into a christian holiday to try to convert them. People are so gullible.

Christmas time...

Too many gifts, too little time. I’ve been making scarves for everyone at my work at a slow yet steady pace. So far, all I’ve gotten done is about 5 of them. Scarves take a while and it takes a lot of yarn to make one. But I’ve been trying to get them done for my friends. Other then that I’ve decided to get my bridge shaved on my bass. I’ve been playing with my five string for some time but to be able to play with the upright without my fingers hurting would be so much better for me. I just need to get up the courage to drive it down to the shop and not worry about it being stolen or broken on the way there. I usually need to have someone with me to hold onto it while I’m driving and so far no one wants to go along with it.

So much is left to do. In two days I’ll be heading off to go see the new Sherlock Holmes Movie. I’ve heard about another one that’s being filmed and supposed to be coming out, though it’s supposed to have different actors.

I don’t know what to think of everything right now, all I know is that I’m going to sit back and relax right now. I have a few days of from school, so I get to slow down.

My favorite band broke up...

So Armor for Sleep is no longer and I am depressed about it. I know that I cannot change anything about the fact that they either cannot afford new band equipment that works or they cannot stand each other anymore. But seeing as they were my favorite band then I shall go ahead and try to find a way to preserve them always in my memory.

I have been thinking that eventually when I finish school and find a good job in the pharmacy that I will maybe get a tattoo. But I don’t know. Where I would want to get it is kinda the problem. I have no idea where to get it as I don’t know where to get one. I wouldn’t want to show it off as it would be more personal to me but I would not really care if people saw that much as it would have depth and meaning to me as Armor for Sleep does and did.

It seems so sad that I will never see them again on tour. But I have to preserve the fact that I got to meet them and know what they were like and let them know that their songs really meant alot to mean and what they meant to me.

So I leave here with my heart broken one more time by my favorite band that will no longer sing to me without a CD.

Always feeling sick...

Sometimes I wonder why I always feel sick in the evenings.

Panic attack? No I’m usually home around that time, if not then I’m at a place that is rather comfortable.

Hunger? No, I’ve usually eaten a good healthy dinner.

Medication? Maybe, I’m just not sure on that one, maybe my pills have finally expired.

But the one thing I think it is is the fact that I never actually let something go. I just let the letter roll off my shoulders like I was never even touched. One thing I’ve noticed since then is, I felt used maybe even lied too a little.

My mother and I were both sitting down having a soda today and we were both talking about how I somehow like guys that were scruffy looking (probably because I grew up with my father). But she had to get on the point of how I didn’t like Matt, I said he was butt ugly. She said to me straight faced, “Have you looked in the mirror recently?” Which made me feel even worse.

I know that I’m probably going to be the person that’s going to grow old and never be with someone and always going to be lonely, but I don’t need it rubbed into my face. Especially by my own mother.

Life will probably never have a happy ending for me, wither it be abuse or just dying to a serial murderer. I just know it probably won’t be happy.

Working...

Ok, so this guy Joe has a very bad staring habit. But I do have to say that he is the cutest out of all the newbies that just came to my work.

Today Gillian made my day by announcing over the speakers that everyone should be doing to time warp because the song was playing. I grew up as an art schooler so the time warp is always something we all just stop and did.

Shelly is getting back to her old habits of pushing too hard and too fast, I don’t know what her problem is sometimes, but I just wish she would figure it out. Last week she hit Cherrity and I both with boxes, this week it might be more people.

I don’t want to know what’s wrong with Chris, he seems to always be down and he just never wants to be around anyone anymore. Maybe he found out that being a player isn’t a good thing? At least when everyone at work knows it.

Movies...

I watched my month’s worth of movies this past week. I don’t know why other then because I’m a music buff, but I really fell in love with ‘The Phantom Of The Opera’ The last soundtrack of a musical that I want would have to be ‘Fiddler on the Roof’ At least for now.

I realize now how much I love romance stories. If I’m ever feeling down and depressed I just sit down and watch a few of them then last I watch a bloody action movie, to make sure that I don’t start getting too upset from watching people live happily ever after and knowing that it will probably never happen to me.

Sometimes I wonder...

I wish sometimes that I could do something for my friends. Many of them almost always seem like they are in agony and I feel ashamed that I cannot help them. That I am caught up in my own little world to figure out what to do to make them feel any better. If I was just able to help my friends maybe I would feel like a better person.

I’ve noticed lately that I’ve actually started to have minor panic attacks. It’s not good. I don’t want to have a anxiety problem like my mother. It only happens when I am alone or I am feeling extremely down, like my life does not matter anymore. I’ve even had them at home, that’s what the sick feeling has been lately, with my heart pumping in my chest. I’ve noticed it started while Jacob was still here. He started it all.

Does it even matter anymore?

I~ promise to stop now, to stop now.

I am numb, I don’t know how to feel.

I think I’ll listen to some Qu