I don’t know if this is a little bit too personal but I don’t really care; About a month ago my cat disappeared, we soon found out that he had crawled up under my parents house and died. Buddy was my cat, and to have him do that upset me, he was probably the only guy to ever give me unconditional love. Then a week later my parents decided to put down a dog that was about 13 years old. Kryten was an amazing dog, very undemanding, the first pedigree that my parents owned and my mother even got to watch him be born. 

This week my Auntie Ching dies on Sunday. I didn’t really know her as well as my mother but she was really the rock that held that side of the family together. Then Friday morning my dog Camille dies. Now Camille was my dog out of the five at my parent’s. She slept with me some nights, she cuddled with me when I was down. She was just a pretty awesome dog that knew how to please herself.

I just think right now I need a very big hug…

Loneliness is something that I know that I suffer from on a day to day basis usually I have someone to call and talk to when I am feeling all cold and alone; but I know that there are those days that even then I can’t call anyone. I feel as if I’ve lost many people that used to be dear to me and have gained nothing to show for it.

I have read the Chinese zodiac on many different columns and all say that I’m supposed to have a good year because this is the year of the rabbit, my year. But all I can see coming out of all this is just doom and gloom. I just wish at times that I hadn’t isolated myself so much. Life would have been just soo much easier if I hadn’t felt alienated by all my peers at such a young age. Damn genetics.

I wonder if I’ll ever find anyone that I could talk to on a regular basis that isn’t afraid of me or intimidated by my attitude. I don’t want all this gloom anymore, I want something happy to pick up in my life.

Summer Calls

Sunlight gleams out from the sky

Nature seems to not know why

Warm sensations touching our skin

Vitamin D to which we give in

Birds sing a chorus of fine tuned chirps

‘Summer is coming’ they call from a birch

Spring clouds burnt away, finally it’s here

Summer calls from somewhere near.

Dreams of You

Scenes of you

Scenes I keep

Closed in my mind

But not in my heart

Scenes of dreams

Drift to my sleep

Of you and me

Finally I weep

To see these scenes

and know not the truth

They’re then dreams of lies

Kept in my mind.

This is Hilarious! OMG!

I’m going to miss Cheyenne… Today went by so slow I felt like it was midnight when it was really 6pm. I was not having a good night. =(

With me I always fee this way after going out with someone. I am always judging myself harshly but, this one I really want to convince myself otherwise. Maybe I’m just a hopeless case that tries too hard, but I kinda like it that way. I know I may be too nice, or I may just have said something that kinda set him off… but I hope not…

Reel Big Fish - A Little Doubt Goes a Long Way

Yeah Who’s been reading this?

Motion City Soundtrack - Even if It Kills Me

I’m going to give up; Friends are always worth more than lovers. Unless he, or someone else comes along asking me out or whatnot I don’t think I’ll be dating anytime soon. I’d rather just enjoy their company as a friend than have to deal with them if anything ever happened… =(

Armor for Sleep - We’ll Own the World

This song has been stuck in my head for the past couple of days; I don’t know what all is going through my head right now, but I know right now that I am ‘Twitterpated’ (I am quoting Crystal and Thumper on that one).

I hope everyone had a nice Christmas and New year. It will soon be the year of the Rabbit! Yay! it’s my year yet again!

Reading a romance novel is really making me realize how alone I really feel. I mean I have friends that are around for me, but they seem to almost always have someone. But little ol’ me has to always be the one that listens; I mean I don’t mind being alone, it’s just on the holidays it sticks out more because everyone’s with their family and loved ones. Me, who am I with? I’m with my parents having to muck out their bathrooms. I just wish at times like these that I had someone that I could put my head on their shoulder and relax for a movie or something.

I dunno; Maybe it’s just a dream, but it would just make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside for once…

Midtown - Direction

I feel as if I am running out of time and I am running out of ideas. This song totally explains my feelings right now. Almost as if I am running around in circles with this one guy that I like. Like we will always remain in the ‘friend’ state and never anything more. Life is almost never positive for me, but for some reason I can almost always make it positive for others. Maybe I just have a negative look on life, or maybe I just see myself always being lonely, and I know it. 

The only person that has ever loved me unconditionally ran away Friday. I don’t even know why or if I will ever see him again. It’s always this way around the holiday season for me, it’s like the holidays and my birthday are cursed for me to endure torment of neverending bad karma.